it's 1:30AM and i can't sleep. i've been writing a post and realized that even with all that is on my mind, i've failed to form coherent sentences. i don't know if my thoughts are as incoherent as what i've erased 15 times over, but i have a funny feeling they are. i don't like it one bit.

little things

little things, in relationships, are catalysts for really big things, it seems to me.

my boyfriend and i walk to the mall on saturday, in search of the food court. i've been to this mall before and know how to get there. i suggest we walk over to another entrance for conveniences' sake, and that doesn't happen. i hold my tongue for the sake of maintaining relationship harmony, and we enter another entrance, boyfriend in the lead.

we wind up taking a lengthy detour to the far end of the mall, wait for a crowded elevator, and walk all the way back to the other end, to get to the food court. at which point, boyfriend exclaims, "why didn't you tell me there was another entrance to the mall???"

he was being facetious, of course, but it irked me a little and i bristled. the look on his face was full of mirth when he saw the reaction on my face. i wound up feeling pretty fucking discouraged about our relationship in general, and the catalyst was a 15 second moment.

my intellect tells me it wasn't a big deal and i've made a mountain out of a molehill. my heart and soul (instinct) are disturbed because that 15 second moment represents aspects of our personalities that are uh, discomfiting.

he often refuses to accept that his behaviour is unacceptable. i feel as though i'm called on the carpet to change, modify, and accommodate more than he is. i am open to the possibility that my perception is biased in my favour, but i don't think i'm crazy. i'm not THAT far off base.

in other words, he demands more than i do, and when i do assert demands, he pulls out a score sheet of numerous past offenses and then claims that because i've already committed all these horrible acts against him, he is being treated unfairly when i call his behaviour into question. because if i'm being a dick, he's allowed to be a dick too. on paper it makes sense, but so did communism.

it SHOULD follow that if he is entitled to make demands on me to change for him, that i be afforded the same privileges. again, like communism, it looks better on paper than it does in action.

i don't like this pattern of protestation and blame.

i want a close connection with emotional intimacy and i want romance, and these "little things" get in the way of that. my attempts to open up healthy dialogue have been pretty consistent failures, and i do know i'm responsible for my failures. maybe it's "paper knowledge" and i'm not insightful enough to integrate what i know with what i do, what i ask for. i dunno. whatever it is, i'm feeling kinda lost.

i just wonder what it takes to be successful in matters of the heart, and i hope i can learn fast enough to restore some lost intimacy.

as the immune system turns

i'm getting better.

my body temperaure is higher and my skin texture has improved. the puffiness around my eyes from thickened tears that don't drain properly has gone away. i wake in the morning feeling mostly ok. i still crash in the afternoon and i suppose that's something i'll have to live with for another 2 to 4 weeks, but i'm at least 80% mended. as my metabolism/thermostat/energy goes up, my need for stimulants has waned:

i stopped taking Ritalin about 4 weeks ago. maybe 3. i felt on the verge of a panic attack the last day i took it.

after stopping Ritalin, my coffee consumption has gradually decreased by at least half.

and now it's time to wean off Wellbutrin. i'm experiencing a searing pain on the left side of my jaw from clenching it so hard, and i know it to be a side effect from past years' experience. it's too bad - for depression and mild anxiety, it's a great treatment, but i don't think my body can deal with it anymore.

i have to go to the dentist tomorrow. two old fillings are coming out and two new ones are going in.

i've dropped another 2 pounds.

i've lost my employee ID badge. not the end of the world because replacing it means i get a picture that looks like me. the old picture was taken when i weighed 225.

i don't have anything to say, except "happy birthday" to my dear friend and cherished lover. you know who you are.

treading water

today, i was subtly put on notice that i have to improve my job performance (within a relatively short time frame) or i'm gonna be stuck in my present position until i die or retire, whichever somes first.

the good news is the issues are fixable. kinda. i think. the bad news is that i'm taking the news badly. i'm embarrassed and ashamed that i've wallowed in mediocrity for so long that my reputation is uh, tarnished. i'm pretty disgusted with myself for playing this game.

i worry that it isn't really fixable - i see a similar dynamic in everything i do. ignore the instructions, don't take notes, wing it till i can't anymore, and end up at the junction of epic failure and shattered illusions.

i've said it before - just show up and do what you're told. in other words, do what's required.

i hate tv

i hate tv. i own one and i watch it periodically, but every time i do i feel empty and cheated. it seriously bores the shit out of me to sit in front of the thing, and i wind up shutting it off, annoyed.

i'm annoyed with the violence. CSI has like, 4 shows, and each one starts with a mutilated corpse in the establishing shot. and CSI is only one franchise; there are others i'm sure. i don't need to be traumatized by the sight of mutilated corpses every day.

i'm annoyed with the pressure to BUY MORE STUFF. "If you don't smoke Tarrytons, Fuck You!" i don't need to consume more chinese-made plastic shiny shit to be happy. really. the cognitive dissonance induced by a relentless barrage of YOU ARE NOT HAPPY BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE OUR PRODUCT messages from that screen pisses me off.

Throwing Christians to the Lions (or Reality Shows): annoyed. I personally do not need to witness the suffering of others in order to feel better about myself. (Oh, look at that fool. I make MUCH better choices than THAT fool. Thank heavens.) who are these millions of viewers?

televised sports: boring boring boring.

i do engage in a lot of screen time - i spend more time in front of a computer than my nose in books, or doing something creative. or spending time with other real-life humans. but a lot of those humans want to watch tv. and i don't wanna.

i rationalize my choices by telling myself that i at least have more control over the content i consume and interact with the information that i receive. and interact with other computer humans.

in the last few years that my dad was alive, he used to phone me and ask me to Google something for him once in a while. he learned just enough to use e-mail and that was it. he never e-mailed me; he had one friend he would write to.

his Google requests were great conversation starters, and i miss them.

analysis paralysis

considerate [kənˈsɪdərɪt]
adj
1. thoughtful towards other people; kind
2. Rare carefully thought out; considered
considerately adv
considerateness n


Thesaurus:
Adj.
1.
considerate - showing concern for the rights and feelings of others; "friends considerate enough to leave us alone"

Related Words
kind - having or showing a tender and considerate and helpful nature; used especially of persons and their behavior; "kind to sick patients"; "a kind master"; "kind words showing understanding and sympathy"; "thanked her for her kind letter"
unselfish - disregarding your own advantages and welfare over those of others
tactful - having or showing a sense of what is fitting and considerate in dealing with others; "she was tactful enough not to shatter his illusion"; "a tactful remark eased her embarrassment"

Antonyms
inconsiderate - lacking regard for the rights or feelings of others; "shockingly inconsiderate behavior"


pro·ac·tive 
–adjective
serving to prepare for, intervene in, or control an expected occurrence or situation, esp. a negative or difficult one; anticipatory: proactive measures against crime.

It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. -Henry David Thoreau

last night i had dinner with my mom and aunt - aunt was in a nasty auto crash in january and has been off work ever since. she's doing all kinds of physiotherapy and she's been at the hospital a lot. i haven't seen her since my dad died, and she's "that aunt" - the one who sends a dozen e-mail forwards a day. jokes and prayers. i delete most of them on sight.



last night she informed us that after a lot of physical therapy and a number of scans of various kinds, she's being referred out to an oncology surgeon kind of guy because there is a mass in one of her lungs, it's not benign, and while she quit smoking 24 years ago, she smoked two packs a day for 20, 25 years.



she's frightened, and understandably so. we haven't been particularly close, and the news is a bit sad, but i'm wondering if i've hardened myself to death, because i don't feel anything except annoyed.

EDIT: i just took a photo of myself to send to my boyfriend and looked at it, and realized my face does not look like someone who is annoyed. it looks like someone on the verge of tears, with a stupid fake smile on her face.

i got an answer to the other day's rhetorical question about why people are so mean. it's because other people allow it.

after a hard ride on the drama llama, a friend of a friend (now former friend of my friend) returned to a girlfriend who dumped him at a most inopportune moment. i'll spare the boring details but i can assure you that far too many innocent people were abused in the course of approximately 72 hours and the sobbing, whining, histrionic DRAMA this dude perpetrated on all these people only served to alienate his friends when she took him back.

the sadness lies in the pattern. she's dumped him before. she'll dump him again. he'll cry again. and very very soon there will be no one to lean on, and he'll probably die, taking her with him. remember the dude in the news from six months ago, who killed his wife in Vegas and hung himself in a cheap motel room in Hope, BC? yeah. they're a lot like that. childish, weak, irresponsible fucktards. and in their late 30's. more than old enough to know better, act better.

then again, maybe i'm not finding it all that sad. maybe i'm too annoyed to really give a shit.

a very dear friend wrote some time ago that "one of the most frustrating things in life is that you cannot heal the hurt in another person's heart".

very true. but while we may not be able to heal the hurt, we can show up and support the ones who are hurting. it's relatively easy to do, given what's going on with the one who hurts. they're the ones who feel the pain and have to do the real work.

this reminds me that: 1. i've been missing my dad a little bit today, 2. that i need to check up on another friend of mine 3. that i think my boyfriend is one of the most excellent humans i have ever met and 4. still trying to understand, after all these years, how people can be such cowards in relationships that they string someone else along for months or years, with lies and deceit and fakery and bullshit like "i don't know what i want" and "maybe we have a future".

how can they NOT KNOW how much they are hurting someone else? it fucking boggles me.

an unexamined life is not worth living, someone said.

i tend to use this space to agonize over stuff and sort out problems until i get to a solution. while creative problem-solving is a useful skill, it's not pleasant to be actively engaged in it for too long.

this brings me to the subject of habits. and whether some feeling states are merely habit, firmed up in the neural pathways by years of practice and reinforcement. i strongly believe that practice makes permanent, not perfect. especially in the context of practice as opposed to development.

because habits are familiar, they can feel more comfortable than new behaviours, lifestyle changes, other states of "being", no matter how much positive improvement the new stuff makes in one's life. there's a difference between practice and development.

example:

my mother has claimed that my dad's side of the family wasn't happy unless they had something to complain about. i think what she meant was that they don't relate to each other in a positive way - conversation is stilted and awkward if we're at the dinner table trying to discuss the things we are happy about and proud of. too much pride is also frowned upon, too. so conversation steers toward complaints about politicians and power, and gossiping about relatives that aren't in the room, and what are we gonna do about so-and-so's idiotic behaviour, and thank god we're all better off than that. circle the wagons and huddle.

in my world, this dynamic lends itself to "awfulizing" and doing the debbie downer thing. i have to be careful in groups to keep my comments positive and light - and i find that i'm a bit out of my element when i make that effort. i feel awkward doing it, but i seem to be muddling through.

and when i really complain about an issue, it's THE WORST UNFIXABLE THING IN THE WORLD EVER. yeah. even i know it's boring.

and then there are the paths we follow when attracted to a lover or even a platonic friend. that "connection" we feel is a barrage of messages from the conscious and semi-conscious, letting us know that that person across the table "really gets us". it's so much fun and excitement in the early stages...and it's interesting to me how quickly i choose to put people in my life who actively reinforce my deepest/worst fears about who i am and what i mean to the rest of the world. which makes me wonder what i reinforce in others.

Main Entry: spu·ri·ous
Pronunciation: \ˈspyu̇r-ē-əs\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Late Latin & Latin; Late Latin spurius false, from Latin, of illegitimate birth, from spurius, noun, bastard
Date: 1598
1 : of illegitimate birth : bastard2 : outwardly similar or corresponding to something without having its genuine qualities : false 3 a : of falsified or erroneously attributed origin : forged b : of a deceitful nature or quality
— spu·ri·ous·ly adverb
— spu·ri·ous·ness noun

been thinking about how easy it is to be wrong when intellectually lazy. or in denial. a good friend has described this state as "willful ignorance" and i find that i'm guilty of doing it just as much as anyone. at the same time, i'm incredibly annoyed by the "hoscience" perpetuated on a forum i used to frequent.

i still frequent the forum, but i'm lurking more than posting, and finding myself horrified by the bullshit ppl share. accuracy and research are totally optional, as is personal accountability.

i suppose i should be glad that i've stopped regurgitating the kool-aid i drank a couple of years ago, but i'm a little busy dealing with the disgust and embarrassment i feel about some old ideas.

check back in 20 minutes i should be feeling better by then. :)

This is a letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Procter and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the viole nt urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . .
Wendi Aarons
Austin , T X

one of my current ruminations is about a long established pattern i've noticed over the years.
from day one, i've been an outlier, and get tossed into the deep end too soon because i've effortlessly dazzled someone with my verbal skills.

i started kindergarten a year early. i walked and talked early. i didn't have to take SATs to get into the university of my choosing. i didn't attend the orientation for new students because i was older when i started. i skipped the foreign language requirement and math requirement for my bachelor's and took computer science instead. i landed a first job as a planner in a remote community with no supervision for the first year...in short, i've winged it a lot.

i had no real connections or bonds with my classmates because 4 and a half is a helluva lot younger than five or five and a half, when you're a tot. i established an alienated feeling early and remained quite shy. i still am rather shy...except for those moments when i toss a couple of cocktails down my gullet and set out to impress someone wealthier or smarter or older than me.

i made a great impression on adults and fed off the attention i got from them. nurtured those skills...but i didn't have to really DO anything to impress anyone. all that was required of me was to use big words and spell stuff, which came easy to me. low hanging fruit for the socially retarded court jester in training.

and today, at work, i'm again reminded that i have created that dynamic here, established my reputation as the bright, funny, absent-minded, underachieving, self-serving slacker. dilletante.

only thing is, i'm not. i haven't been that girl for over a year. but i established that setup a long time ago. i established high expectations in my higher-ups, and set about failing to meet those expectations on a weekly basis for 6 months in my first year of employment. and now i pay the piper.

just wish i knew how to really and truly fix it...but fixing it is contingent on the perceptions of other people, and i only have control over what i do and say.

it's frustrating. i want to stop being angry at other people for something that is ultimately all my own fault.

been ruminating over an old habit. core belief stuff. the core belief being that i don't get relief from stress/responsibility/punishment/pain/shame unless i lie or cover up ugly truths.



at work, the secrets and lies manifest in a struggle to remain transparent when i make mistakes. first place i go to when i realize i've made an error is to start thinking of ways to cover it up. i'm in a line of work that demands a lot of transparency and i do not engage the monster there - but i catch myself trying to find a way out of admitting i made a mistake. also finding that admitting to them immediately and moving on makes everything easier - so there's a CBT aspect to being forced to own up to my mistakes that helps me "get past myself". it's not that i DON'T do it - it's just not in my nature to be transparent and humble - it's a habit i have to consistently nurture.



in my personal life, the secrets and lies manifest in the food. and my workout schedule. my bf is the most disciplined person i have ever met when it comes to nutrition and exercise, and i'm not quite like him that way. naturally, i compare myself to him and come up way short. i feel something akin to shame. i think he understands that his dedication is exceptional, and he's not super judgmental toward me - he adores me and likes my physique okay the way it is...his main interest is in supporting my goals. i think.



but once in a while he asks me how my workout went, and i haven't gone to the gym, and i say, "fine". most of the time i tell him i didn't go, but i've done it three times that i can count off the top of my head in the last six months, which means i can safely estimate i've actually done it twice as many times.



yuck. compounding shame, anyone?



i worry sometimes that i'm woefully immature and that there's just no hope. my head knows that is not true, but my heart is stupid and i still feel those feelings.



what is most significant to me is that i created a parent/child dynamic, i'm the child, and i'm waging a rebellion against an imaginary parent. to be fair and balanced aboutthis, i should note that this is not the sum total of my relationship with bf. i have a similar conversation with myself when i'm struggling to do the right thing, to stay the course with my own goals, to accept change. i literally hear myself saying, "go fuck yourself, not gonna be a good girl for you either".



i'm not about to let an old useless worn-out unwelcome habit get in the way of being present, honest, integrated, interdependent, and grounded...and the process of unlearning this particular habit is a pain in the ass.



the superhappy fun part is that once i've nailed down what i think the problem is, i get a whole lot better at finding a solution and living in it. the feelings of relief and joy are palpable. and i'm feeling a lot closer to clarity than i did a month ago...let the festivities begin.

feeling like a Harlow primate.

control and boundaries

wondering where the balance lies between staying true to oneself and keeping an open mind.

back to keto

and loving it. i have a cold and i'm kinda tired...so i'm going to bed early. :)

bodybuilding is hard.

being fat is hard.

i have to choose my hard.

note to self.

record keeping and review of kept records is the best way i know to maintain an "inventory" of the status of many things. to that end, i've been keeping a record of what i eat in a given day, over the last month or two.

upon review, the findings are slightly disturbing. the pattern i notice is that i can keep up the vigilant and "good" activity for about 5 days. after that, i "allow" circumstances to get in the way of a perfect track record. i dip my toe into the chaos pool about once a week. this past week has been pretty bad. sushi with a friend, junk food at olympic venues, alcohol, and "accommodating" my visiting brother's tastes have resulted in a lot of fucking chaos.

the good news is that i DID meet nutritional targets most days. the bad news is that one day was shamefully off-plan.

ah well. press on, as they say.

new tangible goal:

stop purchasing pantry items until my cupboards are barren of starchy carbohydrate laden food.

focus on protein, fat, and caloric budget. period. incidental carbs are more than sufficient for now.

tired of "be gentle with yourself" appearing to be interpreted as "it's okay to be lazy".

i've been struggling with my commitments to myself, and refining my goals. for the sake of emptying out my head, i'm taking a friend's suggestion and dumping a list of what i don't want:

i don't want to wear a size 12 anymore; i want to fit into a 6.

i don't want a hideous peach coloured bathroom.

i don't want a messy house.

i don't want a broken dryer.

i don't want dead plants in my house.

i don't want to be so fucking lazy.

i don't want to make up excuses to avoid the gym.

resolution

–noun
1.
a formal expression of opinion or intention made, usually after voting, by a formal organization, a legislature, a club, or other group. Compare concurrent resolution, joint resolution.
2.
a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.
3.
the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.
4.
the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.
5.
the act or process of resolving or separating into constituent or elementary parts.
6.
the resulting state.
7.
Optics. the act, process, or capability of distinguishing between two separate but adjacent objects or sources of light or between two nearly equal wavelengths. Compare resolving power.
8.
a solution, accommodation, or settling of a problem, controversy, etc.
9.
Music.
a.
the progression of a voice part or of the harmony as a whole from a dissonance to a consonance.
b.
the tone or chord to which a dissonance is resolved.
10.
reduction to a simpler form; conversion.
11.
Medicine/Medical. the reduction or disappearance of a swelling or inflammation without suppuration.
12.
the degree of sharpness of a computer-generated image as measured by the number of dots per linear inch in a hard-copy printout or the number of pixels across and down on a display screen.

focus

keep calm and carry on.

i'm liking that one recently...