been ruminating over an old habit. core belief stuff. the core belief being that i don't get relief from stress/responsibility/punishment/pain/shame unless i lie or cover up ugly truths.



at work, the secrets and lies manifest in a struggle to remain transparent when i make mistakes. first place i go to when i realize i've made an error is to start thinking of ways to cover it up. i'm in a line of work that demands a lot of transparency and i do not engage the monster there - but i catch myself trying to find a way out of admitting i made a mistake. also finding that admitting to them immediately and moving on makes everything easier - so there's a CBT aspect to being forced to own up to my mistakes that helps me "get past myself". it's not that i DON'T do it - it's just not in my nature to be transparent and humble - it's a habit i have to consistently nurture.



in my personal life, the secrets and lies manifest in the food. and my workout schedule. my bf is the most disciplined person i have ever met when it comes to nutrition and exercise, and i'm not quite like him that way. naturally, i compare myself to him and come up way short. i feel something akin to shame. i think he understands that his dedication is exceptional, and he's not super judgmental toward me - he adores me and likes my physique okay the way it is...his main interest is in supporting my goals. i think.



but once in a while he asks me how my workout went, and i haven't gone to the gym, and i say, "fine". most of the time i tell him i didn't go, but i've done it three times that i can count off the top of my head in the last six months, which means i can safely estimate i've actually done it twice as many times.



yuck. compounding shame, anyone?



i worry sometimes that i'm woefully immature and that there's just no hope. my head knows that is not true, but my heart is stupid and i still feel those feelings.



what is most significant to me is that i created a parent/child dynamic, i'm the child, and i'm waging a rebellion against an imaginary parent. to be fair and balanced aboutthis, i should note that this is not the sum total of my relationship with bf. i have a similar conversation with myself when i'm struggling to do the right thing, to stay the course with my own goals, to accept change. i literally hear myself saying, "go fuck yourself, not gonna be a good girl for you either".



i'm not about to let an old useless worn-out unwelcome habit get in the way of being present, honest, integrated, interdependent, and grounded...and the process of unlearning this particular habit is a pain in the ass.



the superhappy fun part is that once i've nailed down what i think the problem is, i get a whole lot better at finding a solution and living in it. the feelings of relief and joy are palpable. and i'm feeling a lot closer to clarity than i did a month ago...let the festivities begin.