i've mastered the art of getting to work on time, with all the essential self-care and hygiene attended to. yeah i know. normal people don't really have an issue with getting to work on time. i did. maybe i'm not normal.
time to sort out new stuff.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
paying attention
i've tested and learned something this week. 5 days is the limit. 4 days is probably when he starts obsessing...
ha. won this battle.
ha. won this battle.
Friday, August 7, 2009
if not now, later.
just a stream of consciousness dump for now - i don't have the time or inclination to make sense of this.
listening to led zeppelin's "in the evening". song lyrics indicate a narrative about a heartbreaker. ha.
it's time for me to become one. i need to learn to empathize with people who say no, who have to be the bad guy.
i like winners. i like being a winner. it's a really effective way to win friends and influence people.
i'm having a hard time shutting my feelings/emotions down and focusing on what's important, like work. and connecting with people and being polite. the dude still occupies a lot of space in my consciousness. he's been poking about on the 'net looking for me lately, and sent a random text in the wee hours of the morning a few days ago, just to wish me well. so he misses me and thinks about me as much as i do him - in his spare/quiet moments. he has far fewer of them than i do.
fill up your life. fill it with people and shit to do. do it quickly. make it happen. fix things that are broken and build upon things that are working. hurry up.
a very good friend told me to focus on the things that make "us" tick and enjoy it. i'm applying that to me, singularly, as well. i'm sick of feeling so shitty and empty.
most of the pain i experience comes from a confusion about his behaviour, motives, etc. i've questioned him directly - why on earth did he ever start flirting with me in the first place? i live so far away, he wasn't ready, still isn't ready, whywhywhy? and his answer is always something like, "why question it? it's really good isn't it?"
yeah it IS good. at least there's a lot about it to like...a whole lot.
he's slow. cautious. doesn't want to get hurt again, so he keeps himself pretty walled off from intimacy. that part, i can live without. but from hundreds of miles away, i can feel him. he's always with me.
because i'm not ready to let go.
listening to led zeppelin's "in the evening". song lyrics indicate a narrative about a heartbreaker. ha.
it's time for me to become one. i need to learn to empathize with people who say no, who have to be the bad guy.
i like winners. i like being a winner. it's a really effective way to win friends and influence people.
i'm having a hard time shutting my feelings/emotions down and focusing on what's important, like work. and connecting with people and being polite. the dude still occupies a lot of space in my consciousness. he's been poking about on the 'net looking for me lately, and sent a random text in the wee hours of the morning a few days ago, just to wish me well. so he misses me and thinks about me as much as i do him - in his spare/quiet moments. he has far fewer of them than i do.
fill up your life. fill it with people and shit to do. do it quickly. make it happen. fix things that are broken and build upon things that are working. hurry up.
a very good friend told me to focus on the things that make "us" tick and enjoy it. i'm applying that to me, singularly, as well. i'm sick of feeling so shitty and empty.
most of the pain i experience comes from a confusion about his behaviour, motives, etc. i've questioned him directly - why on earth did he ever start flirting with me in the first place? i live so far away, he wasn't ready, still isn't ready, whywhywhy? and his answer is always something like, "why question it? it's really good isn't it?"
yeah it IS good. at least there's a lot about it to like...a whole lot.
he's slow. cautious. doesn't want to get hurt again, so he keeps himself pretty walled off from intimacy. that part, i can live without. but from hundreds of miles away, i can feel him. he's always with me.
because i'm not ready to let go.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
ah, fuck it.
my life, for the last 3 years, has been all about resurrecting myself from the ashes. i nearly died on an operating table in 2003, and it took me until 2006 to stop trying to slowly kill myself. it took me from 2006 until now to start really living like a normal girl. and if history is an indicator, i may well be on the cusp of a new three year journey of self-discovery.
so i did my homework and became a normal person. somehow i only look normal on the outside; on the inside, i'm the same miserable complaining bitch i was back when i wanted to die all the time. and i want to die all the time again. i have a minor amount of boy drama (the kind that happened a month ago and continually tells me that i need to get over him, move on, and quit freaking out about getting older).
it's time to again hit the reset button. this time however i have no idea what needs changing. all the previous stuff has been relatively easy and tangible - get a job in my chosen field, buy a car, lose weight and get cuter, start dating again, buy a house (condo really).
so i did all those things. none of them make me happy. except for dating one particular person, and it's not working so well for me right now. i don't know what makes me happy, other than canoodling with the aforementioned boy. hanging out with him? deliriously happy. utterly unsustainable, and deliriously happy. there is a pattern; i really have noticed.
so he's not (really) available and i've decided to end my hypervigilant pursuit of his affections. also decided to end it in my own head and heart - i never pestered him much for fear of being found out for the crazed stalker that i had become. i was not comfortable with that persona and hid it from him.
i do know this much - i'm hating my job today, and i have a very good one. so it's not really my job.
it's me. and i'm going to break things again if i'm not careful.
so i did my homework and became a normal person. somehow i only look normal on the outside; on the inside, i'm the same miserable complaining bitch i was back when i wanted to die all the time. and i want to die all the time again. i have a minor amount of boy drama (the kind that happened a month ago and continually tells me that i need to get over him, move on, and quit freaking out about getting older).
it's time to again hit the reset button. this time however i have no idea what needs changing. all the previous stuff has been relatively easy and tangible - get a job in my chosen field, buy a car, lose weight and get cuter, start dating again, buy a house (condo really).
so i did all those things. none of them make me happy. except for dating one particular person, and it's not working so well for me right now. i don't know what makes me happy, other than canoodling with the aforementioned boy. hanging out with him? deliriously happy. utterly unsustainable, and deliriously happy. there is a pattern; i really have noticed.
so he's not (really) available and i've decided to end my hypervigilant pursuit of his affections. also decided to end it in my own head and heart - i never pestered him much for fear of being found out for the crazed stalker that i had become. i was not comfortable with that persona and hid it from him.
i do know this much - i'm hating my job today, and i have a very good one. so it's not really my job.
it's me. and i'm going to break things again if i'm not careful.
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