an unexamined life is not worth living, someone said.

i tend to use this space to agonize over stuff and sort out problems until i get to a solution. while creative problem-solving is a useful skill, it's not pleasant to be actively engaged in it for too long.

this brings me to the subject of habits. and whether some feeling states are merely habit, firmed up in the neural pathways by years of practice and reinforcement. i strongly believe that practice makes permanent, not perfect. especially in the context of practice as opposed to development.

because habits are familiar, they can feel more comfortable than new behaviours, lifestyle changes, other states of "being", no matter how much positive improvement the new stuff makes in one's life. there's a difference between practice and development.

example:

my mother has claimed that my dad's side of the family wasn't happy unless they had something to complain about. i think what she meant was that they don't relate to each other in a positive way - conversation is stilted and awkward if we're at the dinner table trying to discuss the things we are happy about and proud of. too much pride is also frowned upon, too. so conversation steers toward complaints about politicians and power, and gossiping about relatives that aren't in the room, and what are we gonna do about so-and-so's idiotic behaviour, and thank god we're all better off than that. circle the wagons and huddle.

in my world, this dynamic lends itself to "awfulizing" and doing the debbie downer thing. i have to be careful in groups to keep my comments positive and light - and i find that i'm a bit out of my element when i make that effort. i feel awkward doing it, but i seem to be muddling through.

and when i really complain about an issue, it's THE WORST UNFIXABLE THING IN THE WORLD EVER. yeah. even i know it's boring.

and then there are the paths we follow when attracted to a lover or even a platonic friend. that "connection" we feel is a barrage of messages from the conscious and semi-conscious, letting us know that that person across the table "really gets us". it's so much fun and excitement in the early stages...and it's interesting to me how quickly i choose to put people in my life who actively reinforce my deepest/worst fears about who i am and what i mean to the rest of the world. which makes me wonder what i reinforce in others.