Monday, October 25, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
little things
little things, in relationships, are catalysts for really big things, it seems to me.
my boyfriend and i walk to the mall on saturday, in search of the food court. i've been to this mall before and know how to get there. i suggest we walk over to another entrance for conveniences' sake, and that doesn't happen. i hold my tongue for the sake of maintaining relationship harmony, and we enter another entrance, boyfriend in the lead.
we wind up taking a lengthy detour to the far end of the mall, wait for a crowded elevator, and walk all the way back to the other end, to get to the food court. at which point, boyfriend exclaims, "why didn't you tell me there was another entrance to the mall???"
he was being facetious, of course, but it irked me a little and i bristled. the look on his face was full of mirth when he saw the reaction on my face. i wound up feeling pretty fucking discouraged about our relationship in general, and the catalyst was a 15 second moment.
my intellect tells me it wasn't a big deal and i've made a mountain out of a molehill. my heart and soul (instinct) are disturbed because that 15 second moment represents aspects of our personalities that are uh, discomfiting.
he often refuses to accept that his behaviour is unacceptable. i feel as though i'm called on the carpet to change, modify, and accommodate more than he is. i am open to the possibility that my perception is biased in my favour, but i don't think i'm crazy. i'm not THAT far off base.
in other words, he demands more than i do, and when i do assert demands, he pulls out a score sheet of numerous past offenses and then claims that because i've already committed all these horrible acts against him, he is being treated unfairly when i call his behaviour into question. because if i'm being a dick, he's allowed to be a dick too. on paper it makes sense, but so did communism.
it SHOULD follow that if he is entitled to make demands on me to change for him, that i be afforded the same privileges. again, like communism, it looks better on paper than it does in action.
i don't like this pattern of protestation and blame.
i want a close connection with emotional intimacy and i want romance, and these "little things" get in the way of that. my attempts to open up healthy dialogue have been pretty consistent failures, and i do know i'm responsible for my failures. maybe it's "paper knowledge" and i'm not insightful enough to integrate what i know with what i do, what i ask for. i dunno. whatever it is, i'm feeling kinda lost.
i just wonder what it takes to be successful in matters of the heart, and i hope i can learn fast enough to restore some lost intimacy.
my boyfriend and i walk to the mall on saturday, in search of the food court. i've been to this mall before and know how to get there. i suggest we walk over to another entrance for conveniences' sake, and that doesn't happen. i hold my tongue for the sake of maintaining relationship harmony, and we enter another entrance, boyfriend in the lead.
we wind up taking a lengthy detour to the far end of the mall, wait for a crowded elevator, and walk all the way back to the other end, to get to the food court. at which point, boyfriend exclaims, "why didn't you tell me there was another entrance to the mall???"
he was being facetious, of course, but it irked me a little and i bristled. the look on his face was full of mirth when he saw the reaction on my face. i wound up feeling pretty fucking discouraged about our relationship in general, and the catalyst was a 15 second moment.
my intellect tells me it wasn't a big deal and i've made a mountain out of a molehill. my heart and soul (instinct) are disturbed because that 15 second moment represents aspects of our personalities that are uh, discomfiting.
he often refuses to accept that his behaviour is unacceptable. i feel as though i'm called on the carpet to change, modify, and accommodate more than he is. i am open to the possibility that my perception is biased in my favour, but i don't think i'm crazy. i'm not THAT far off base.
in other words, he demands more than i do, and when i do assert demands, he pulls out a score sheet of numerous past offenses and then claims that because i've already committed all these horrible acts against him, he is being treated unfairly when i call his behaviour into question. because if i'm being a dick, he's allowed to be a dick too. on paper it makes sense, but so did communism.
it SHOULD follow that if he is entitled to make demands on me to change for him, that i be afforded the same privileges. again, like communism, it looks better on paper than it does in action.
i don't like this pattern of protestation and blame.
i want a close connection with emotional intimacy and i want romance, and these "little things" get in the way of that. my attempts to open up healthy dialogue have been pretty consistent failures, and i do know i'm responsible for my failures. maybe it's "paper knowledge" and i'm not insightful enough to integrate what i know with what i do, what i ask for. i dunno. whatever it is, i'm feeling kinda lost.
i just wonder what it takes to be successful in matters of the heart, and i hope i can learn fast enough to restore some lost intimacy.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
as the immune system turns
i'm getting better.
my body temperaure is higher and my skin texture has improved. the puffiness around my eyes from thickened tears that don't drain properly has gone away. i wake in the morning feeling mostly ok. i still crash in the afternoon and i suppose that's something i'll have to live with for another 2 to 4 weeks, but i'm at least 80% mended. as my metabolism/thermostat/energy goes up, my need for stimulants has waned:
i stopped taking Ritalin about 4 weeks ago. maybe 3. i felt on the verge of a panic attack the last day i took it.
after stopping Ritalin, my coffee consumption has gradually decreased by at least half.
and now it's time to wean off Wellbutrin. i'm experiencing a searing pain on the left side of my jaw from clenching it so hard, and i know it to be a side effect from past years' experience. it's too bad - for depression and mild anxiety, it's a great treatment, but i don't think my body can deal with it anymore.
i have to go to the dentist tomorrow. two old fillings are coming out and two new ones are going in.
i've dropped another 2 pounds.
i've lost my employee ID badge. not the end of the world because replacing it means i get a picture that looks like me. the old picture was taken when i weighed 225.
my body temperaure is higher and my skin texture has improved. the puffiness around my eyes from thickened tears that don't drain properly has gone away. i wake in the morning feeling mostly ok. i still crash in the afternoon and i suppose that's something i'll have to live with for another 2 to 4 weeks, but i'm at least 80% mended. as my metabolism/thermostat/energy goes up, my need for stimulants has waned:
i stopped taking Ritalin about 4 weeks ago. maybe 3. i felt on the verge of a panic attack the last day i took it.
after stopping Ritalin, my coffee consumption has gradually decreased by at least half.
and now it's time to wean off Wellbutrin. i'm experiencing a searing pain on the left side of my jaw from clenching it so hard, and i know it to be a side effect from past years' experience. it's too bad - for depression and mild anxiety, it's a great treatment, but i don't think my body can deal with it anymore.
i have to go to the dentist tomorrow. two old fillings are coming out and two new ones are going in.
i've dropped another 2 pounds.
i've lost my employee ID badge. not the end of the world because replacing it means i get a picture that looks like me. the old picture was taken when i weighed 225.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
treading water
today, i was subtly put on notice that i have to improve my job performance (within a relatively short time frame) or i'm gonna be stuck in my present position until i die or retire, whichever somes first.
the good news is the issues are fixable. kinda. i think. the bad news is that i'm taking the news badly. i'm embarrassed and ashamed that i've wallowed in mediocrity for so long that my reputation is uh, tarnished. i'm pretty disgusted with myself for playing this game.
i worry that it isn't really fixable - i see a similar dynamic in everything i do. ignore the instructions, don't take notes, wing it till i can't anymore, and end up at the junction of epic failure and shattered illusions.
i've said it before - just show up and do what you're told. in other words, do what's required.
the good news is the issues are fixable. kinda. i think. the bad news is that i'm taking the news badly. i'm embarrassed and ashamed that i've wallowed in mediocrity for so long that my reputation is uh, tarnished. i'm pretty disgusted with myself for playing this game.
i worry that it isn't really fixable - i see a similar dynamic in everything i do. ignore the instructions, don't take notes, wing it till i can't anymore, and end up at the junction of epic failure and shattered illusions.
i've said it before - just show up and do what you're told. in other words, do what's required.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
i hate tv
i hate tv. i own one and i watch it periodically, but every time i do i feel empty and cheated. it seriously bores the shit out of me to sit in front of the thing, and i wind up shutting it off, annoyed.
i'm annoyed with the violence. CSI has like, 4 shows, and each one starts with a mutilated corpse in the establishing shot. and CSI is only one franchise; there are others i'm sure. i don't need to be traumatized by the sight of mutilated corpses every day.
i'm annoyed with the pressure to BUY MORE STUFF. "If you don't smoke Tarrytons, Fuck You!" i don't need to consume more chinese-made plastic shiny shit to be happy. really. the cognitive dissonance induced by a relentless barrage of YOU ARE NOT HAPPY BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE OUR PRODUCT messages from that screen pisses me off.
Throwing Christians to the Lions (or Reality Shows): annoyed. I personally do not need to witness the suffering of others in order to feel better about myself. (Oh, look at that fool. I make MUCH better choices than THAT fool. Thank heavens.) who are these millions of viewers?
televised sports: boring boring boring.
i do engage in a lot of screen time - i spend more time in front of a computer than my nose in books, or doing something creative. or spending time with other real-life humans. but a lot of those humans want to watch tv. and i don't wanna.
i rationalize my choices by telling myself that i at least have more control over the content i consume and interact with the information that i receive. and interact with other computer humans.
in the last few years that my dad was alive, he used to phone me and ask me to Google something for him once in a while. he learned just enough to use e-mail and that was it. he never e-mailed me; he had one friend he would write to.
his Google requests were great conversation starters, and i miss them.
i'm annoyed with the violence. CSI has like, 4 shows, and each one starts with a mutilated corpse in the establishing shot. and CSI is only one franchise; there are others i'm sure. i don't need to be traumatized by the sight of mutilated corpses every day.
i'm annoyed with the pressure to BUY MORE STUFF. "If you don't smoke Tarrytons, Fuck You!" i don't need to consume more chinese-made plastic shiny shit to be happy. really. the cognitive dissonance induced by a relentless barrage of YOU ARE NOT HAPPY BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE OUR PRODUCT messages from that screen pisses me off.
Throwing Christians to the Lions (or Reality Shows): annoyed. I personally do not need to witness the suffering of others in order to feel better about myself. (Oh, look at that fool. I make MUCH better choices than THAT fool. Thank heavens.) who are these millions of viewers?
televised sports: boring boring boring.
i do engage in a lot of screen time - i spend more time in front of a computer than my nose in books, or doing something creative. or spending time with other real-life humans. but a lot of those humans want to watch tv. and i don't wanna.
i rationalize my choices by telling myself that i at least have more control over the content i consume and interact with the information that i receive. and interact with other computer humans.
in the last few years that my dad was alive, he used to phone me and ask me to Google something for him once in a while. he learned just enough to use e-mail and that was it. he never e-mailed me; he had one friend he would write to.
his Google requests were great conversation starters, and i miss them.
Monday, May 17, 2010
analysis paralysis
considerate [kənˈsɪdərɪt]
adj
1. thoughtful towards other people; kind
2. Rare carefully thought out; considered
considerately adv
considerateness n
Thesaurus:
Adj.
1.
considerate - showing concern for the rights and feelings of others; "friends considerate enough to leave us alone"
Related Words
kind - having or showing a tender and considerate and helpful nature; used especially of persons and their behavior; "kind to sick patients"; "a kind master"; "kind words showing understanding and sympathy"; "thanked her for her kind letter"
unselfish - disregarding your own advantages and welfare over those of others
tactful - having or showing a sense of what is fitting and considerate in dealing with others; "she was tactful enough not to shatter his illusion"; "a tactful remark eased her embarrassment"
Antonyms
inconsiderate - lacking regard for the rights or feelings of others; "shockingly inconsiderate behavior"
pro·ac·tive
–adjective
serving to prepare for, intervene in, or control an expected occurrence or situation, esp. a negative or difficult one; anticipatory: proactive measures against crime.
adj
1. thoughtful towards other people; kind
2. Rare carefully thought out; considered
considerately adv
considerateness n
Thesaurus:
Adj.
1.
considerate - showing concern for the rights and feelings of others; "friends considerate enough to leave us alone"
Related Words
kind - having or showing a tender and considerate and helpful nature; used especially of persons and their behavior; "kind to sick patients"; "a kind master"; "kind words showing understanding and sympathy"; "thanked her for her kind letter"
unselfish - disregarding your own advantages and welfare over those of others
tactful - having or showing a sense of what is fitting and considerate in dealing with others; "she was tactful enough not to shatter his illusion"; "a tactful remark eased her embarrassment"
Antonyms
inconsiderate - lacking regard for the rights or feelings of others; "shockingly inconsiderate behavior"
pro·ac·tive
–adjective
serving to prepare for, intervene in, or control an expected occurrence or situation, esp. a negative or difficult one; anticipatory: proactive measures against crime.
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