last night i had dinner with my mom and aunt - aunt was in a nasty auto crash in january and has been off work ever since. she's doing all kinds of physiotherapy and she's been at the hospital a lot. i haven't seen her since my dad died, and she's "that aunt" - the one who sends a dozen e-mail forwards a day. jokes and prayers. i delete most of them on sight.



last night she informed us that after a lot of physical therapy and a number of scans of various kinds, she's being referred out to an oncology surgeon kind of guy because there is a mass in one of her lungs, it's not benign, and while she quit smoking 24 years ago, she smoked two packs a day for 20, 25 years.



she's frightened, and understandably so. we haven't been particularly close, and the news is a bit sad, but i'm wondering if i've hardened myself to death, because i don't feel anything except annoyed.

EDIT: i just took a photo of myself to send to my boyfriend and looked at it, and realized my face does not look like someone who is annoyed. it looks like someone on the verge of tears, with a stupid fake smile on her face.