one of my current ruminations is about a long established pattern i've noticed over the years.
from day one, i've been an outlier, and get tossed into the deep end too soon because i've effortlessly dazzled someone with my verbal skills.

i started kindergarten a year early. i walked and talked early. i didn't have to take SATs to get into the university of my choosing. i didn't attend the orientation for new students because i was older when i started. i skipped the foreign language requirement and math requirement for my bachelor's and took computer science instead. i landed a first job as a planner in a remote community with no supervision for the first year...in short, i've winged it a lot.

i had no real connections or bonds with my classmates because 4 and a half is a helluva lot younger than five or five and a half, when you're a tot. i established an alienated feeling early and remained quite shy. i still am rather shy...except for those moments when i toss a couple of cocktails down my gullet and set out to impress someone wealthier or smarter or older than me.

i made a great impression on adults and fed off the attention i got from them. nurtured those skills...but i didn't have to really DO anything to impress anyone. all that was required of me was to use big words and spell stuff, which came easy to me. low hanging fruit for the socially retarded court jester in training.

and today, at work, i'm again reminded that i have created that dynamic here, established my reputation as the bright, funny, absent-minded, underachieving, self-serving slacker. dilletante.

only thing is, i'm not. i haven't been that girl for over a year. but i established that setup a long time ago. i established high expectations in my higher-ups, and set about failing to meet those expectations on a weekly basis for 6 months in my first year of employment. and now i pay the piper.

just wish i knew how to really and truly fix it...but fixing it is contingent on the perceptions of other people, and i only have control over what i do and say.

it's frustrating. i want to stop being angry at other people for something that is ultimately all my own fault.