just a stream of consciousness dump for now - i don't have the time or inclination to make sense of this.
listening to led zeppelin's "in the evening". song lyrics indicate a narrative about a heartbreaker. ha.
it's time for me to become one. i need to learn to empathize with people who say no, who have to be the bad guy.
i like winners. i like being a winner. it's a really effective way to win friends and influence people.
i'm having a hard time shutting my feelings/emotions down and focusing on what's important, like work. and connecting with people and being polite. the dude still occupies a lot of space in my consciousness. he's been poking about on the 'net looking for me lately, and sent a random text in the wee hours of the morning a few days ago, just to wish me well. so he misses me and thinks about me as much as i do him - in his spare/quiet moments. he has far fewer of them than i do.
fill up your life. fill it with people and shit to do. do it quickly. make it happen. fix things that are broken and build upon things that are working. hurry up.
a very good friend told me to focus on the things that make "us" tick and enjoy it. i'm applying that to me, singularly, as well. i'm sick of feeling so shitty and empty.
most of the pain i experience comes from a confusion about his behaviour, motives, etc. i've questioned him directly - why on earth did he ever start flirting with me in the first place? i live so far away, he wasn't ready, still isn't ready, whywhywhy? and his answer is always something like, "why question it? it's really good isn't it?"
yeah it IS good. at least there's a lot about it to like...a whole lot.
he's slow. cautious. doesn't want to get hurt again, so he keeps himself pretty walled off from intimacy. that part, i can live without. but from hundreds of miles away, i can feel him. he's always with me.
because i'm not ready to let go.
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