ah, fuck it.

my life, for the last 3 years, has been all about resurrecting myself from the ashes. i nearly died on an operating table in 2003, and it took me until 2006 to stop trying to slowly kill myself. it took me from 2006 until now to start really living like a normal girl. and if history is an indicator, i may well be on the cusp of a new three year journey of self-discovery.

so i did my homework and became a normal person. somehow i only look normal on the outside; on the inside, i'm the same miserable complaining bitch i was back when i wanted to die all the time. and i want to die all the time again. i have a minor amount of boy drama (the kind that happened a month ago and continually tells me that i need to get over him, move on, and quit freaking out about getting older).

it's time to again hit the reset button. this time however i have no idea what needs changing. all the previous stuff has been relatively easy and tangible - get a job in my chosen field, buy a car, lose weight and get cuter, start dating again, buy a house (condo really).

so i did all those things. none of them make me happy. except for dating one particular person, and it's not working so well for me right now. i don't know what makes me happy, other than canoodling with the aforementioned boy. hanging out with him? deliriously happy. utterly unsustainable, and deliriously happy. there is a pattern; i really have noticed.

so he's not (really) available and i've decided to end my hypervigilant pursuit of his affections. also decided to end it in my own head and heart - i never pestered him much for fear of being found out for the crazed stalker that i had become. i was not comfortable with that persona and hid it from him.

i do know this much - i'm hating my job today, and i have a very good one. so it's not really my job.

it's me. and i'm going to break things again if i'm not careful.