Thursday, May 13, 2010
last night i had dinner with my mom and aunt - aunt was in a nasty auto crash in january and has been off work ever since. she's doing all kinds of physiotherapy and she's been at the hospital a lot. i haven't seen her since my dad died, and she's "that aunt" - the one who sends a dozen e-mail forwards a day. jokes and prayers. i delete most of them on sight.
last night she informed us that after a lot of physical therapy and a number of scans of various kinds, she's being referred out to an oncology surgeon kind of guy because there is a mass in one of her lungs, it's not benign, and while she quit smoking 24 years ago, she smoked two packs a day for 20, 25 years.
she's frightened, and understandably so. we haven't been particularly close, and the news is a bit sad, but i'm wondering if i've hardened myself to death, because i don't feel anything except annoyed.
EDIT: i just took a photo of myself to send to my boyfriend and looked at it, and realized my face does not look like someone who is annoyed. it looks like someone on the verge of tears, with a stupid fake smile on her face.
last night she informed us that after a lot of physical therapy and a number of scans of various kinds, she's being referred out to an oncology surgeon kind of guy because there is a mass in one of her lungs, it's not benign, and while she quit smoking 24 years ago, she smoked two packs a day for 20, 25 years.
she's frightened, and understandably so. we haven't been particularly close, and the news is a bit sad, but i'm wondering if i've hardened myself to death, because i don't feel anything except annoyed.
EDIT: i just took a photo of myself to send to my boyfriend and looked at it, and realized my face does not look like someone who is annoyed. it looks like someone on the verge of tears, with a stupid fake smile on her face.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
i got an answer to the other day's rhetorical question about why people are so mean. it's because other people allow it.
after a hard ride on the drama llama, a friend of a friend (now former friend of my friend) returned to a girlfriend who dumped him at a most inopportune moment. i'll spare the boring details but i can assure you that far too many innocent people were abused in the course of approximately 72 hours and the sobbing, whining, histrionic DRAMA this dude perpetrated on all these people only served to alienate his friends when she took him back.
the sadness lies in the pattern. she's dumped him before. she'll dump him again. he'll cry again. and very very soon there will be no one to lean on, and he'll probably die, taking her with him. remember the dude in the news from six months ago, who killed his wife in Vegas and hung himself in a cheap motel room in Hope, BC? yeah. they're a lot like that. childish, weak, irresponsible fucktards. and in their late 30's. more than old enough to know better, act better.
then again, maybe i'm not finding it all that sad. maybe i'm too annoyed to really give a shit.
after a hard ride on the drama llama, a friend of a friend (now former friend of my friend) returned to a girlfriend who dumped him at a most inopportune moment. i'll spare the boring details but i can assure you that far too many innocent people were abused in the course of approximately 72 hours and the sobbing, whining, histrionic DRAMA this dude perpetrated on all these people only served to alienate his friends when she took him back.
the sadness lies in the pattern. she's dumped him before. she'll dump him again. he'll cry again. and very very soon there will be no one to lean on, and he'll probably die, taking her with him. remember the dude in the news from six months ago, who killed his wife in Vegas and hung himself in a cheap motel room in Hope, BC? yeah. they're a lot like that. childish, weak, irresponsible fucktards. and in their late 30's. more than old enough to know better, act better.
then again, maybe i'm not finding it all that sad. maybe i'm too annoyed to really give a shit.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
a very dear friend wrote some time ago that "one of the most frustrating things in life is that you cannot heal the hurt in another person's heart".
very true. but while we may not be able to heal the hurt, we can show up and support the ones who are hurting. it's relatively easy to do, given what's going on with the one who hurts. they're the ones who feel the pain and have to do the real work.
this reminds me that: 1. i've been missing my dad a little bit today, 2. that i need to check up on another friend of mine 3. that i think my boyfriend is one of the most excellent humans i have ever met and 4. still trying to understand, after all these years, how people can be such cowards in relationships that they string someone else along for months or years, with lies and deceit and fakery and bullshit like "i don't know what i want" and "maybe we have a future".
how can they NOT KNOW how much they are hurting someone else? it fucking boggles me.
very true. but while we may not be able to heal the hurt, we can show up and support the ones who are hurting. it's relatively easy to do, given what's going on with the one who hurts. they're the ones who feel the pain and have to do the real work.
this reminds me that: 1. i've been missing my dad a little bit today, 2. that i need to check up on another friend of mine 3. that i think my boyfriend is one of the most excellent humans i have ever met and 4. still trying to understand, after all these years, how people can be such cowards in relationships that they string someone else along for months or years, with lies and deceit and fakery and bullshit like "i don't know what i want" and "maybe we have a future".
how can they NOT KNOW how much they are hurting someone else? it fucking boggles me.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
an unexamined life is not worth living, someone said.
i tend to use this space to agonize over stuff and sort out problems until i get to a solution. while creative problem-solving is a useful skill, it's not pleasant to be actively engaged in it for too long.
this brings me to the subject of habits. and whether some feeling states are merely habit, firmed up in the neural pathways by years of practice and reinforcement. i strongly believe that practice makes permanent, not perfect. especially in the context of practice as opposed to development.
because habits are familiar, they can feel more comfortable than new behaviours, lifestyle changes, other states of "being", no matter how much positive improvement the new stuff makes in one's life. there's a difference between practice and development.
example:
my mother has claimed that my dad's side of the family wasn't happy unless they had something to complain about. i think what she meant was that they don't relate to each other in a positive way - conversation is stilted and awkward if we're at the dinner table trying to discuss the things we are happy about and proud of. too much pride is also frowned upon, too. so conversation steers toward complaints about politicians and power, and gossiping about relatives that aren't in the room, and what are we gonna do about so-and-so's idiotic behaviour, and thank god we're all better off than that. circle the wagons and huddle.
in my world, this dynamic lends itself to "awfulizing" and doing the debbie downer thing. i have to be careful in groups to keep my comments positive and light - and i find that i'm a bit out of my element when i make that effort. i feel awkward doing it, but i seem to be muddling through.
and when i really complain about an issue, it's THE WORST UNFIXABLE THING IN THE WORLD EVER. yeah. even i know it's boring.
and then there are the paths we follow when attracted to a lover or even a platonic friend. that "connection" we feel is a barrage of messages from the conscious and semi-conscious, letting us know that that person across the table "really gets us". it's so much fun and excitement in the early stages...and it's interesting to me how quickly i choose to put people in my life who actively reinforce my deepest/worst fears about who i am and what i mean to the rest of the world. which makes me wonder what i reinforce in others.
i tend to use this space to agonize over stuff and sort out problems until i get to a solution. while creative problem-solving is a useful skill, it's not pleasant to be actively engaged in it for too long.
this brings me to the subject of habits. and whether some feeling states are merely habit, firmed up in the neural pathways by years of practice and reinforcement. i strongly believe that practice makes permanent, not perfect. especially in the context of practice as opposed to development.
because habits are familiar, they can feel more comfortable than new behaviours, lifestyle changes, other states of "being", no matter how much positive improvement the new stuff makes in one's life. there's a difference between practice and development.
example:
my mother has claimed that my dad's side of the family wasn't happy unless they had something to complain about. i think what she meant was that they don't relate to each other in a positive way - conversation is stilted and awkward if we're at the dinner table trying to discuss the things we are happy about and proud of. too much pride is also frowned upon, too. so conversation steers toward complaints about politicians and power, and gossiping about relatives that aren't in the room, and what are we gonna do about so-and-so's idiotic behaviour, and thank god we're all better off than that. circle the wagons and huddle.
in my world, this dynamic lends itself to "awfulizing" and doing the debbie downer thing. i have to be careful in groups to keep my comments positive and light - and i find that i'm a bit out of my element when i make that effort. i feel awkward doing it, but i seem to be muddling through.
and when i really complain about an issue, it's THE WORST UNFIXABLE THING IN THE WORLD EVER. yeah. even i know it's boring.
and then there are the paths we follow when attracted to a lover or even a platonic friend. that "connection" we feel is a barrage of messages from the conscious and semi-conscious, letting us know that that person across the table "really gets us". it's so much fun and excitement in the early stages...and it's interesting to me how quickly i choose to put people in my life who actively reinforce my deepest/worst fears about who i am and what i mean to the rest of the world. which makes me wonder what i reinforce in others.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Main Entry: spu·ri·ous
Pronunciation: \ˈspyu̇r-ē-əs\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Late Latin & Latin; Late Latin spurius false, from Latin, of illegitimate birth, from spurius, noun, bastard
Date: 1598
1 : of illegitimate birth : bastard2 : outwardly similar or corresponding to something without having its genuine qualities : false3 a : of falsified or erroneously attributed origin : forged b : of a deceitful nature or quality
— spu·ri·ous·ly adverb
— spu·ri·ous·ness noun
been thinking about how easy it is to be wrong when intellectually lazy. or in denial. a good friend has described this state as "willful ignorance" and i find that i'm guilty of doing it just as much as anyone. at the same time, i'm incredibly annoyed by the "hoscience" perpetuated on a forum i used to frequent.
i still frequent the forum, but i'm lurking more than posting, and finding myself horrified by the bullshit ppl share. accuracy and research are totally optional, as is personal accountability.
i suppose i should be glad that i've stopped regurgitating the kool-aid i drank a couple of years ago, but i'm a little busy dealing with the disgust and embarrassment i feel about some old ideas.
check back in 20 minutes i should be feeling better by then. :)
Pronunciation: \ˈspyu̇r-ē-əs\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Late Latin & Latin; Late Latin spurius false, from Latin, of illegitimate birth, from spurius, noun, bastard
Date: 1598
1 : of illegitimate birth : bastard2 : outwardly similar or corresponding to something without having its genuine qualities : false
— spu·ri·ous·ly adverb
— spu·ri·ous·ness noun
been thinking about how easy it is to be wrong when intellectually lazy. or in denial. a good friend has described this state as "willful ignorance" and i find that i'm guilty of doing it just as much as anyone. at the same time, i'm incredibly annoyed by the "hoscience" perpetuated on a forum i used to frequent.
i still frequent the forum, but i'm lurking more than posting, and finding myself horrified by the bullshit ppl share. accuracy and research are totally optional, as is personal accountability.
i suppose i should be glad that i've stopped regurgitating the kool-aid i drank a couple of years ago, but i'm a little busy dealing with the disgust and embarrassment i feel about some old ideas.
check back in 20 minutes i should be feeling better by then. :)
Monday, March 29, 2010
This is a letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Procter and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the viole nt urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .
Wendi Aarons
Austin , T X
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the viole nt urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .
Wendi Aarons
Austin , T X
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