gettin' back on da horse

had a bad night last night. didn't get to sleep until quite late for all my sobbing, despite a level of physical exhaustion i rarely experience. i feel utterly drained. and a little bloated - at least in my face.

work kinda sucks, but i at least made it here, showered and dressed in clean clothes. i need the structure and i need to be doing something constructive, even if it is just making more parcels of land or staring at arborist reports. my social calendar has been a little fuller than usual and i skipped the gym last night due to uncontrollable sobbing - and i keep reminding myself that getting back into routine and imposing structure around nutrition and exercise serves to keep me sane. i do have the nutrition thing under control again, which feels good in a spartan, "resistance makes you stronger" kind of way.

i feel really cold. i'm too tired to focus on anything effectively and i am increasingly aware of a growing task list - it's in my head. i have yet to dump it onto paper and make it tangible.

i saw the doctor on my lunch hour and took care of some maintenance stuff - thyroid, etc. i know grief takes a lot out of a person, but i had no idea i'd be feeling so depressed that sleeping for the rest of my forseeable days would seem like the most attractive option EVER.

yep. feels like a long winter is fast approaching. i need a new hobby, because feeling crappy is no longer useful.

saying goodbye, saying hello

hi dad

i love you 4 cups too, and thanks. it's been a hell of an eventful year hasn't it? i've lost 80 pounds, bought my first home, travelled countless kilometres to see you and mum, fallen in love with a heel (and travelled almost as many kilometres to see him), come to my senses (somewhat), and learned only very recently what it feels like to fall in love with someone who loves me back and treats me well.

a few weeks ago you asked me not to feel sad; most of the time i don't, but today i miss talking to you and hearing your voice when you tell me you love me "4 cups". i expect the coming year will be difficult as i step on new milestones. maybe not just the next year; i suppose it could be longer than that.

having experienced an assload of trauma when i was 16, i can tell you that i'm not traumatized by your death. i don't see the world outside as an empty black hole and i feel i have a purpose for being in it. bright days are still bright and i still see the beauty in beautiful things. right now things are a little dimmer without you; i know that will pass, and it's only perception.

and i'm really glad we made time to spend time together before you died; bringing hot borscht and giving you a sponge bath while i answered your questions about my future plans and where we were going to meet for christmas, and yes, kimsquit will be there...i will never forget those moments.

"does he like you?"

"yes, very much."

"do you like him?"

"yes, very much."

"that's good."

...and no, there's no choice to make - i've already made it, and i liked the boy who just phoned a few minutes ago, i liked him very much too, but i'm not going to waste another breath of my precious life on someone who bats me around like a dead mouse - i'm worth being treated with respect and kindness. so i said goodbye to him...and i'm glad you replied, "that's good." i'm really glad i got to tell you that. i don't know why - but it's important to me to know that you left me knowing that i'm in good hands. even if i was still alone i'd be in good hands - my own are strong and capable, and i know how to use them to reach out for help when i need it.

and as much as i miss you, i'm selfishly and deliriously happy in my own little world, and i've learned to love myself enough in the last few years to open up and expose myself to risk, and to know a good reward when it appears. :)

i missed sharing grandchildren with you - i still don't know if i'm ready for kids - after writing off that possibility over three years ago, i'm reconsidering. and it scares the shit out of me. and all i can think about is how much they'll miss, not knowing you. they'll know me, and they'll know kimsquit, and they'll know mum and blake, and that will have to be enough, but i loved playing with you when i was little and i loved watching you play with little ones when i grew older. and i'm a little sad that we'll miss that.



because it is good.

a recap

so the dude ended it early September; told me he couldn't do long distance, couldn't get in any deeper emotional involvement, he was starting to feel pangs of jealousy over the stories I shared about other dates, even kissing another girl. we were supposed to be seeing other people, were we not? apparently it wasn't working for him for ME to have a life apart from him and he was pining away too much on his own. I was always pining too, but I figured it made sense to have a social life if we were separated by so much distance.

my heart was broken; utterly crushed. so I snapped. a man sent me a message from a dating site a few days before I last saw Dude; when I returned home I replied with a brief message and we started corresponding. I gave him my number, he called me, we went on a date, and we've been "seeing each other" ever since.

he's the Anti-Dude. he's literate, well-spoken, attentive, and TOTALLY INTO ME. I've never dated anyone this "nice" for this long. usually I run screaming after a few dates when a man is THAT interested in me. it's a Groucho thing. I have resolved to myself to stick it out a bit and take time to get to know him for a few months...maybe six. and as time has passed, I find I like him more and more. I'll add that he's SUPER good-looking, sexy, "skilled" and all that other good stuff. he has an amazing physique.

people who like themselves don't reject people who like them. I keep reminding myself of that.

mastery and practice

i've mastered the art of getting to work on time, with all the essential self-care and hygiene attended to. yeah i know. normal people don't really have an issue with getting to work on time. i did. maybe i'm not normal.

time to sort out new stuff.

paying attention

i've tested and learned something this week. 5 days is the limit. 4 days is probably when he starts obsessing...

ha. won this battle.

if not now, later.

just a stream of consciousness dump for now - i don't have the time or inclination to make sense of this.

listening to led zeppelin's "in the evening". song lyrics indicate a narrative about a heartbreaker. ha.

it's time for me to become one. i need to learn to empathize with people who say no, who have to be the bad guy.

i like winners. i like being a winner. it's a really effective way to win friends and influence people.

i'm having a hard time shutting my feelings/emotions down and focusing on what's important, like work. and connecting with people and being polite. the dude still occupies a lot of space in my consciousness. he's been poking about on the 'net looking for me lately, and sent a random text in the wee hours of the morning a few days ago, just to wish me well. so he misses me and thinks about me as much as i do him - in his spare/quiet moments. he has far fewer of them than i do.

fill up your life. fill it with people and shit to do. do it quickly. make it happen. fix things that are broken and build upon things that are working. hurry up.

a very good friend told me to focus on the things that make "us" tick and enjoy it. i'm applying that to me, singularly, as well. i'm sick of feeling so shitty and empty.

most of the pain i experience comes from a confusion about his behaviour, motives, etc. i've questioned him directly - why on earth did he ever start flirting with me in the first place? i live so far away, he wasn't ready, still isn't ready, whywhywhy? and his answer is always something like, "why question it? it's really good isn't it?"

yeah it IS good. at least there's a lot about it to like...a whole lot.

he's slow. cautious. doesn't want to get hurt again, so he keeps himself pretty walled off from intimacy. that part, i can live without. but from hundreds of miles away, i can feel him. he's always with me.

because i'm not ready to let go.

ah, fuck it.

my life, for the last 3 years, has been all about resurrecting myself from the ashes. i nearly died on an operating table in 2003, and it took me until 2006 to stop trying to slowly kill myself. it took me from 2006 until now to start really living like a normal girl. and if history is an indicator, i may well be on the cusp of a new three year journey of self-discovery.

so i did my homework and became a normal person. somehow i only look normal on the outside; on the inside, i'm the same miserable complaining bitch i was back when i wanted to die all the time. and i want to die all the time again. i have a minor amount of boy drama (the kind that happened a month ago and continually tells me that i need to get over him, move on, and quit freaking out about getting older).

it's time to again hit the reset button. this time however i have no idea what needs changing. all the previous stuff has been relatively easy and tangible - get a job in my chosen field, buy a car, lose weight and get cuter, start dating again, buy a house (condo really).

so i did all those things. none of them make me happy. except for dating one particular person, and it's not working so well for me right now. i don't know what makes me happy, other than canoodling with the aforementioned boy. hanging out with him? deliriously happy. utterly unsustainable, and deliriously happy. there is a pattern; i really have noticed.

so he's not (really) available and i've decided to end my hypervigilant pursuit of his affections. also decided to end it in my own head and heart - i never pestered him much for fear of being found out for the crazed stalker that i had become. i was not comfortable with that persona and hid it from him.

i do know this much - i'm hating my job today, and i have a very good one. so it's not really my job.

it's me. and i'm going to break things again if i'm not careful.