little things

little things, in relationships, are catalysts for really big things, it seems to me.

my boyfriend and i walk to the mall on saturday, in search of the food court. i've been to this mall before and know how to get there. i suggest we walk over to another entrance for conveniences' sake, and that doesn't happen. i hold my tongue for the sake of maintaining relationship harmony, and we enter another entrance, boyfriend in the lead.

we wind up taking a lengthy detour to the far end of the mall, wait for a crowded elevator, and walk all the way back to the other end, to get to the food court. at which point, boyfriend exclaims, "why didn't you tell me there was another entrance to the mall???"

he was being facetious, of course, but it irked me a little and i bristled. the look on his face was full of mirth when he saw the reaction on my face. i wound up feeling pretty fucking discouraged about our relationship in general, and the catalyst was a 15 second moment.

my intellect tells me it wasn't a big deal and i've made a mountain out of a molehill. my heart and soul (instinct) are disturbed because that 15 second moment represents aspects of our personalities that are uh, discomfiting.

he often refuses to accept that his behaviour is unacceptable. i feel as though i'm called on the carpet to change, modify, and accommodate more than he is. i am open to the possibility that my perception is biased in my favour, but i don't think i'm crazy. i'm not THAT far off base.

in other words, he demands more than i do, and when i do assert demands, he pulls out a score sheet of numerous past offenses and then claims that because i've already committed all these horrible acts against him, he is being treated unfairly when i call his behaviour into question. because if i'm being a dick, he's allowed to be a dick too. on paper it makes sense, but so did communism.

it SHOULD follow that if he is entitled to make demands on me to change for him, that i be afforded the same privileges. again, like communism, it looks better on paper than it does in action.

i don't like this pattern of protestation and blame.

i want a close connection with emotional intimacy and i want romance, and these "little things" get in the way of that. my attempts to open up healthy dialogue have been pretty consistent failures, and i do know i'm responsible for my failures. maybe it's "paper knowledge" and i'm not insightful enough to integrate what i know with what i do, what i ask for. i dunno. whatever it is, i'm feeling kinda lost.

i just wonder what it takes to be successful in matters of the heart, and i hope i can learn fast enough to restore some lost intimacy.

as the immune system turns

i'm getting better.

my body temperaure is higher and my skin texture has improved. the puffiness around my eyes from thickened tears that don't drain properly has gone away. i wake in the morning feeling mostly ok. i still crash in the afternoon and i suppose that's something i'll have to live with for another 2 to 4 weeks, but i'm at least 80% mended. as my metabolism/thermostat/energy goes up, my need for stimulants has waned:

i stopped taking Ritalin about 4 weeks ago. maybe 3. i felt on the verge of a panic attack the last day i took it.

after stopping Ritalin, my coffee consumption has gradually decreased by at least half.

and now it's time to wean off Wellbutrin. i'm experiencing a searing pain on the left side of my jaw from clenching it so hard, and i know it to be a side effect from past years' experience. it's too bad - for depression and mild anxiety, it's a great treatment, but i don't think my body can deal with it anymore.

i have to go to the dentist tomorrow. two old fillings are coming out and two new ones are going in.

i've dropped another 2 pounds.

i've lost my employee ID badge. not the end of the world because replacing it means i get a picture that looks like me. the old picture was taken when i weighed 225.