i've been ruminating over a bunch of crap lately - the most frequent question is "why am i so miserable ?", and i'm constantly twisting up a fairly simple answer into a knotted mass of rationalization.
i'd rather be anywhere but here. right here, right now. i don't wanna be here. i've been clever enough to see the folly in this, but it doesn't make it go away...
i wonder what makes shit like this go away.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
ouch.
heartbroken. seriously effed up and heart sick.
decided to check in with the Dude and ask him where he was at; i had a bad feeling already. told me he'd been seeing an ex again. and my reaction, while not explosive or dramatic, betrayed my real feelings for him. he sort of exploded with both defensiveness and apology, and said it was just too hard with his kids in the picture, that he wasn't ready for a relationship until they were older.
so now it's out there. and i told him i felt incredibly foolish and embarrassed and angry with myself for getting involved with someone who doesn't feel the same way i do.
he replied by saying that i wasn't foolish; that he really cares about me. a lot. and he wants to see me still, really doesn't want me to end it. i talked to a mutual friend of ours (his BFF) and said, "dude, he's in love with me". BFF's response - "yeeeee-up". i wonder how long he's been holding onto that one.
and i'm just feeling so fucking lost and terrified. what have i gotten myself into? and i really don't get why this has to be so fucking hard. it's already long distance - the impact on his kids is super minimized. i see him maybe every two months, and that means maybe a couple of hours with the kids included. as far as they're concerned we're just good friends anyway. it's only been a few months, maybe five since i met his children; it's way too soon to introduce me as a girlfriend. i do get that.
now i have to figure out what the hell i want out of this and ask for it. scary.
decided to check in with the Dude and ask him where he was at; i had a bad feeling already. told me he'd been seeing an ex again. and my reaction, while not explosive or dramatic, betrayed my real feelings for him. he sort of exploded with both defensiveness and apology, and said it was just too hard with his kids in the picture, that he wasn't ready for a relationship until they were older.
so now it's out there. and i told him i felt incredibly foolish and embarrassed and angry with myself for getting involved with someone who doesn't feel the same way i do.
he replied by saying that i wasn't foolish; that he really cares about me. a lot. and he wants to see me still, really doesn't want me to end it. i talked to a mutual friend of ours (his BFF) and said, "dude, he's in love with me". BFF's response - "yeeeee-up". i wonder how long he's been holding onto that one.
and i'm just feeling so fucking lost and terrified. what have i gotten myself into? and i really don't get why this has to be so fucking hard. it's already long distance - the impact on his kids is super minimized. i see him maybe every two months, and that means maybe a couple of hours with the kids included. as far as they're concerned we're just good friends anyway. it's only been a few months, maybe five since i met his children; it's way too soon to introduce me as a girlfriend. i do get that.
now i have to figure out what the hell i want out of this and ask for it. scary.