happy new year.
yeah, that's all i got.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
so long, and thanks for all the fish.
at christmas' past, i was a hyper, excited, staying-awake-all-night with excitement kind of kid. the memories i have in that house, from early childhood, are still vibrant and alive with colour, scents, faces, voices, and food. later on, it was fun to watch other little kids get excited and munch the food. then the other little kids got older and i still showed up at my grandma's house to spend the evening listening to her go on and on about how fabulous all of her grandchildren were (except me. she couldn't find anything good to say about me. funny that.).
even funnier is that i pulled myself out of a very dark hole 4 years ago, landed a job in my chosen field, paid my bills and my taxes, and bought a condo. all by myself. except for a chunk of change i borrowed from grandma (all grandkids have borrowed, but i borrowed slightly more to mitigate the lack of a second income in my household). no spouse. i had, from my perspective, back at that time, two choices: live or die. i made a commitment to live, on the condition that i live well. the half-assed life i had created for myself was killing me. apathy and grief were killing me. i gave myself one last shot at trying one last time - with a time limit of a year. i gave it my all and i got results in 5 months. good thing, too, because plan b was to off myself if i found myself miserable at the end of the year.
i've made mind-boggling changes in the last 3.5 years. only family member who has told me he was proud of me was Dad.
i just returned from a visit with some relatives in oregon. it was a decent enough visit, given that i'm the black sheep in my family and fall on the receiving end of all kinds of shit and misery whenever i go there. most of the time it doesn't bother me, but this year i'm a little raw from the funeral and missing my dad. i'm a little raw from being thrown into the poorhouse and didn't have my usual requisite "going shopping" fuck you in my back pocket. it follows that i'm more emotional and less in control of my impulses, particularly the impulses to lash out angrily at other people.
here's my current favourite - yesterday, a game of scrabble with the boyfriend, my mom, and grandma. she started WHINING about a word i created with two blank tiles, and after she kept it up i flipped them both over and found there i had a tile flipped over. it was an R and i needed an E. i had an E. don't know how i fucked that up exactly, but i fucked it up just enough to be continually shamed at the table until another turn, when she told me "tided" wasn't a word and couldn't be used on the board (it's a word, i looked it up). she completely fucked me over and laughed at me, after i pointed it out in the dictionary. and had the gall, after that, to complain that i wasn't forgiving enough. i kept my composure. bitch didn't win at the table, but she's still occupying my head.
they go out. i stay in. we go to bed. the boy starts nudging me because i'm snoring. i get up to go sleep on the couch, mum and grandma are back from the uncle's place, and still up. she says, "so you stayed home alone and ate fried pork skins while we had pot roast". the smile on her face is sickening. i'm already fuming mad that i can't go back to sleep on the couch (it's occupied by my urine-stenchy grandmother) and now this?
lovely.
i get tired of waiting for them to go to bed and retire upstairs to yet another filthy bedroom. my mother calls upstairs SECONDS later - all of a sudden they're going to bed and i can have the couch if i want it. my grandmother is beside herself with anguish as she asks me, "why didn't you TELL me you needed the couch??"
"because it's YOUR HOUSE."
i'm seriously considering the boyfriend's suggestion that next year i spend a few days with my mum in Mexico or Palm Fucking Springs. i'm not spending another day in that filthy, decrepit house of hatred. i don't have to and i'm not going to. i spent some time there this year out of a sense of duty to my mother, but i'm not playing this game anymore. without my dad there to buffer, commiserate, deflect, and play occasional jester, i'm finding the mood in that place dark and depressing and intolerable.
no one went out of their way to make me feel unwelcome when i was 5. no one went out of their way to make me feel unwelcome AFTER whining incessantly when i told them i couldn't make it that year. after i relented and adjusted my commitments so i could go.
yeah i guess you could say the magic wore off.
so long, and thanks for all the fish.
even funnier is that i pulled myself out of a very dark hole 4 years ago, landed a job in my chosen field, paid my bills and my taxes, and bought a condo. all by myself. except for a chunk of change i borrowed from grandma (all grandkids have borrowed, but i borrowed slightly more to mitigate the lack of a second income in my household). no spouse. i had, from my perspective, back at that time, two choices: live or die. i made a commitment to live, on the condition that i live well. the half-assed life i had created for myself was killing me. apathy and grief were killing me. i gave myself one last shot at trying one last time - with a time limit of a year. i gave it my all and i got results in 5 months. good thing, too, because plan b was to off myself if i found myself miserable at the end of the year.
i've made mind-boggling changes in the last 3.5 years. only family member who has told me he was proud of me was Dad.
i just returned from a visit with some relatives in oregon. it was a decent enough visit, given that i'm the black sheep in my family and fall on the receiving end of all kinds of shit and misery whenever i go there. most of the time it doesn't bother me, but this year i'm a little raw from the funeral and missing my dad. i'm a little raw from being thrown into the poorhouse and didn't have my usual requisite "going shopping" fuck you in my back pocket. it follows that i'm more emotional and less in control of my impulses, particularly the impulses to lash out angrily at other people.
here's my current favourite - yesterday, a game of scrabble with the boyfriend, my mom, and grandma. she started WHINING about a word i created with two blank tiles, and after she kept it up i flipped them both over and found there i had a tile flipped over. it was an R and i needed an E. i had an E. don't know how i fucked that up exactly, but i fucked it up just enough to be continually shamed at the table until another turn, when she told me "tided" wasn't a word and couldn't be used on the board (it's a word, i looked it up). she completely fucked me over and laughed at me, after i pointed it out in the dictionary. and had the gall, after that, to complain that i wasn't forgiving enough. i kept my composure. bitch didn't win at the table, but she's still occupying my head.
they go out. i stay in. we go to bed. the boy starts nudging me because i'm snoring. i get up to go sleep on the couch, mum and grandma are back from the uncle's place, and still up. she says, "so you stayed home alone and ate fried pork skins while we had pot roast". the smile on her face is sickening. i'm already fuming mad that i can't go back to sleep on the couch (it's occupied by my urine-stenchy grandmother) and now this?
lovely.
i get tired of waiting for them to go to bed and retire upstairs to yet another filthy bedroom. my mother calls upstairs SECONDS later - all of a sudden they're going to bed and i can have the couch if i want it. my grandmother is beside herself with anguish as she asks me, "why didn't you TELL me you needed the couch??"
"because it's YOUR HOUSE."
i'm seriously considering the boyfriend's suggestion that next year i spend a few days with my mum in Mexico or Palm Fucking Springs. i'm not spending another day in that filthy, decrepit house of hatred. i don't have to and i'm not going to. i spent some time there this year out of a sense of duty to my mother, but i'm not playing this game anymore. without my dad there to buffer, commiserate, deflect, and play occasional jester, i'm finding the mood in that place dark and depressing and intolerable.
no one went out of their way to make me feel unwelcome when i was 5. no one went out of their way to make me feel unwelcome AFTER whining incessantly when i told them i couldn't make it that year. after i relented and adjusted my commitments so i could go.
yeah i guess you could say the magic wore off.
so long, and thanks for all the fish.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
niente
i got nuffin' but cramps and a cranky mood.
i'm bored. and much more importantly, boring. i'm getting tired of myself; moping, sad, tired. my boyfriend pointed out to me recently that "i'm not really myself right now" is not the most useful way of putting things - that this IS me, under extroardinary circumstances. i still don't like it. i don't like short-term memory failure. i don't like having difficulty speaking when the thoughts are there and i can't seem to make my mouth move.
the kubler-ross model of grief stages outlines five:
denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance
need to figure out what i need to do to get to the acceptance part because the depression shit is getting old.
i'm bored. and much more importantly, boring. i'm getting tired of myself; moping, sad, tired. my boyfriend pointed out to me recently that "i'm not really myself right now" is not the most useful way of putting things - that this IS me, under extroardinary circumstances. i still don't like it. i don't like short-term memory failure. i don't like having difficulty speaking when the thoughts are there and i can't seem to make my mouth move.
the kubler-ross model of grief stages outlines five:
denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance
need to figure out what i need to do to get to the acceptance part because the depression shit is getting old.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
reality check
at work, we talk about the neighbourhood i live in as the hub of the "young and funky" demographic. or at least, the goal is to attract the young and funky.
having just spent an hour in the mall two blocks from my residence, i noticed not one but two, TWO retailers specializing in BLACK T-SHIRTS WITH MOTHERFUCKING AIRBRUSHED WOLVES AND SHIT. i didn't make it all the way through the mall - there could be more. i don't know.
the airbrushed wildlife demographic is not what i would call "young and funky". i see a lot of that shit on the advanced middle aged or elderly, potbellied, and balding demographic, regardless of gender. these people are a sort that i actively avoid coming into contact, or even close proximity - their appearance is emblematic of odours i really hate - stale liquor and cigarettes, catboxes, urine:
having just spent an hour in the mall two blocks from my residence, i noticed not one but two, TWO retailers specializing in BLACK T-SHIRTS WITH MOTHERFUCKING AIRBRUSHED WOLVES AND SHIT. i didn't make it all the way through the mall - there could be more. i don't know.
the airbrushed wildlife demographic is not what i would call "young and funky". i see a lot of that shit on the advanced middle aged or elderly, potbellied, and balding demographic, regardless of gender. these people are a sort that i actively avoid coming into contact, or even close proximity - their appearance is emblematic of odours i really hate - stale liquor and cigarettes, catboxes, urine:
a side note - i motherfucking hate running errands during the christmas shopping season. i'm on the verge of a panic attack from bumping into strangers.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
closure
i went to the gym in rossland last week, at kimsquit's suggestion - we went together. one of the days we were there, i spotted the manlet.
upon entering the facility, i noticed the manlet's kid in there and knew it was just a matter of minutes before i saw the manlet, and i was right. he blazed through the door 20 or 30 minutes later. my already elevated heart rate jumped a bit more, but i kept my mouth shut in the hope that he had shown up to pick up his kid and leave.
i was wrong.
the gym space is separated by a pony wall and the levels are staggered; as you enter the front door, the free weights are on the lower right and the cardio/cable machines are on the upper left side. we were on the right, working out in the squat rack. the manlet headed left, toward the cable machines and didn't see me. when i was finished with a few sets of lunges, kimsquit asked me if there was a hamstring curl machine on the other side. i told him yes and we wandered over there...and the manlet was sitting on the machine next to the ham curl, talking to his kid.
eek.
so kimsquit and i are now on the other side and approaching the manlet. he still hasn't seen me. there's a load bearing post between the wall and the manlet and i stop there, because it creates a physical barrier and he can't see me because he's on the other side of it. kimsquit also stops and turns to face me and starts talking. i don't hear a word; i'm just waiting for his lips to stop moving so i can tell him the manlet is on the other side of the post.
he's all, "what? who? oh, r**?", and i tell him, "yeah that's him" as he peeks around the post to take a look. kimsquit then pivots 180 degrees and stands beside me, in clear view of the manlet, and says, "alright, let's go". i say "no, i'll just wait for him to move". he says, "you can't just stand there all night" and reaches over, picks me up off my feet and plants me in front of him, facing the ex, grins at said ex, and says, "guess who?"
the ex's kid, of all people, lights up like a christmas tree and says "hi natalie! how are you?"
and the ex does pretty much the same thing. he asks how i'm doing, i tell him we buried my dad yesterday, and i need a workout. he tells me he was gonna call me yesterday but...and i cut him off and told him it was a long and busy day. no need.
i introduce the two and they engage in the kind of small talk that just makes it all worse. and then i notice something. kimsquit is hotter than the ex. way hotter. he's good looking, to be sure - so is the manlet. but he carries himself with grace and confidence that i don't see in the manlet...
a little later i see the manlet working out with a woman on the flat bench. he drags her over 20 minutes later and introduces his "friend" j****. she appears to be uncomfortable. more awkward conversation, yeah we're almost done, and we leave.
driving home, i say, "we're cuter than them", and sweetie replies, "that's not hard to do". and, "i think you're making better choices now". he also noted that she must have been furious to have been introduced as his "friend"...
first time since we broke up that i had one of those "holy fuck was my perception ever clouded" moments. dunno if it was really all that clouded...it's just different now, and i'm feeling okay with it.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
a lightbulb moment
fuck
sitting in the bathtub last night i realized that no man has ever loved me more than my dad did. also realized no man has ever loved me anywhere near as much as dad loved mum.
we had a shitty relationship in my teens because he was insanely angry and jealous that i was growing up and becoming rather pretty and getting attention from men (other men?)...but i was too young to know any better than to think he was just being a dick.
the only man who even comes close is kimsquit, and he's never been a dick when i get attention from other men.
sitting in the bathtub last night i realized that no man has ever loved me more than my dad did. also realized no man has ever loved me anywhere near as much as dad loved mum.
we had a shitty relationship in my teens because he was insanely angry and jealous that i was growing up and becoming rather pretty and getting attention from men (other men?)...but i was too young to know any better than to think he was just being a dick.
the only man who even comes close is kimsquit, and he's never been a dick when i get attention from other men.
gettin' back on da horse
had a bad night last night. didn't get to sleep until quite late for all my sobbing, despite a level of physical exhaustion i rarely experience. i feel utterly drained. and a little bloated - at least in my face.
work kinda sucks, but i at least made it here, showered and dressed in clean clothes. i need the structure and i need to be doing something constructive, even if it is just making more parcels of land or staring at arborist reports. my social calendar has been a little fuller than usual and i skipped the gym last night due to uncontrollable sobbing - and i keep reminding myself that getting back into routine and imposing structure around nutrition and exercise serves to keep me sane. i do have the nutrition thing under control again, which feels good in a spartan, "resistance makes you stronger" kind of way.
i feel really cold. i'm too tired to focus on anything effectively and i am increasingly aware of a growing task list - it's in my head. i have yet to dump it onto paper and make it tangible.
i saw the doctor on my lunch hour and took care of some maintenance stuff - thyroid, etc. i know grief takes a lot out of a person, but i had no idea i'd be feeling so depressed that sleeping for the rest of my forseeable days would seem like the most attractive option EVER.
yep. feels like a long winter is fast approaching. i need a new hobby, because feeling crappy is no longer useful.
work kinda sucks, but i at least made it here, showered and dressed in clean clothes. i need the structure and i need to be doing something constructive, even if it is just making more parcels of land or staring at arborist reports. my social calendar has been a little fuller than usual and i skipped the gym last night due to uncontrollable sobbing - and i keep reminding myself that getting back into routine and imposing structure around nutrition and exercise serves to keep me sane. i do have the nutrition thing under control again, which feels good in a spartan, "resistance makes you stronger" kind of way.
i feel really cold. i'm too tired to focus on anything effectively and i am increasingly aware of a growing task list - it's in my head. i have yet to dump it onto paper and make it tangible.
i saw the doctor on my lunch hour and took care of some maintenance stuff - thyroid, etc. i know grief takes a lot out of a person, but i had no idea i'd be feeling so depressed that sleeping for the rest of my forseeable days would seem like the most attractive option EVER.
yep. feels like a long winter is fast approaching. i need a new hobby, because feeling crappy is no longer useful.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
saying goodbye, saying hello
hi dad
i love you 4 cups too, and thanks. it's been a hell of an eventful year hasn't it? i've lost 80 pounds, bought my first home, travelled countless kilometres to see you and mum, fallen in love with a heel (and travelled almost as many kilometres to see him), come to my senses (somewhat), and learned only very recently what it feels like to fall in love with someone who loves me back and treats me well.
a few weeks ago you asked me not to feel sad; most of the time i don't, but today i miss talking to you and hearing your voice when you tell me you love me "4 cups". i expect the coming year will be difficult as i step on new milestones. maybe not just the next year; i suppose it could be longer than that.
having experienced an assload of trauma when i was 16, i can tell you that i'm not traumatized by your death. i don't see the world outside as an empty black hole and i feel i have a purpose for being in it. bright days are still bright and i still see the beauty in beautiful things. right now things are a little dimmer without you; i know that will pass, and it's only perception.
and i'm really glad we made time to spend time together before you died; bringing hot borscht and giving you a sponge bath while i answered your questions about my future plans and where we were going to meet for christmas, and yes, kimsquit will be there...i will never forget those moments.
"does he like you?"
"yes, very much."
"do you like him?"
"yes, very much."
"that's good."
...and no, there's no choice to make - i've already made it, and i liked the boy who just phoned a few minutes ago, i liked him very much too, but i'm not going to waste another breath of my precious life on someone who bats me around like a dead mouse - i'm worth being treated with respect and kindness. so i said goodbye to him...and i'm glad you replied, "that's good." i'm really glad i got to tell you that. i don't know why - but it's important to me to know that you left me knowing that i'm in good hands. even if i was still alone i'd be in good hands - my own are strong and capable, and i know how to use them to reach out for help when i need it.
and as much as i miss you, i'm selfishly and deliriously happy in my own little world, and i've learned to love myself enough in the last few years to open up and expose myself to risk, and to know a good reward when it appears. :)
i missed sharing grandchildren with you - i still don't know if i'm ready for kids - after writing off that possibility over three years ago, i'm reconsidering. and it scares the shit out of me. and all i can think about is how much they'll miss, not knowing you. they'll know me, and they'll know kimsquit, and they'll know mum and blake, and that will have to be enough, but i loved playing with you when i was little and i loved watching you play with little ones when i grew older. and i'm a little sad that we'll miss that.
because it is good.
i love you 4 cups too, and thanks. it's been a hell of an eventful year hasn't it? i've lost 80 pounds, bought my first home, travelled countless kilometres to see you and mum, fallen in love with a heel (and travelled almost as many kilometres to see him), come to my senses (somewhat), and learned only very recently what it feels like to fall in love with someone who loves me back and treats me well.
a few weeks ago you asked me not to feel sad; most of the time i don't, but today i miss talking to you and hearing your voice when you tell me you love me "4 cups". i expect the coming year will be difficult as i step on new milestones. maybe not just the next year; i suppose it could be longer than that.
having experienced an assload of trauma when i was 16, i can tell you that i'm not traumatized by your death. i don't see the world outside as an empty black hole and i feel i have a purpose for being in it. bright days are still bright and i still see the beauty in beautiful things. right now things are a little dimmer without you; i know that will pass, and it's only perception.
and i'm really glad we made time to spend time together before you died; bringing hot borscht and giving you a sponge bath while i answered your questions about my future plans and where we were going to meet for christmas, and yes, kimsquit will be there...i will never forget those moments.
"does he like you?"
"yes, very much."
"do you like him?"
"yes, very much."
"that's good."
...and no, there's no choice to make - i've already made it, and i liked the boy who just phoned a few minutes ago, i liked him very much too, but i'm not going to waste another breath of my precious life on someone who bats me around like a dead mouse - i'm worth being treated with respect and kindness. so i said goodbye to him...and i'm glad you replied, "that's good." i'm really glad i got to tell you that. i don't know why - but it's important to me to know that you left me knowing that i'm in good hands. even if i was still alone i'd be in good hands - my own are strong and capable, and i know how to use them to reach out for help when i need it.
and as much as i miss you, i'm selfishly and deliriously happy in my own little world, and i've learned to love myself enough in the last few years to open up and expose myself to risk, and to know a good reward when it appears. :)
i missed sharing grandchildren with you - i still don't know if i'm ready for kids - after writing off that possibility over three years ago, i'm reconsidering. and it scares the shit out of me. and all i can think about is how much they'll miss, not knowing you. they'll know me, and they'll know kimsquit, and they'll know mum and blake, and that will have to be enough, but i loved playing with you when i was little and i loved watching you play with little ones when i grew older. and i'm a little sad that we'll miss that.
because it is good.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
a recap
so the dude ended it early September; told me he couldn't do long distance, couldn't get in any deeper emotional involvement, he was starting to feel pangs of jealousy over the stories I shared about other dates, even kissing another girl. we were supposed to be seeing other people, were we not? apparently it wasn't working for him for ME to have a life apart from him and he was pining away too much on his own. I was always pining too, but I figured it made sense to have a social life if we were separated by so much distance.
my heart was broken; utterly crushed. so I snapped. a man sent me a message from a dating site a few days before I last saw Dude; when I returned home I replied with a brief message and we started corresponding. I gave him my number, he called me, we went on a date, and we've been "seeing each other" ever since.
he's the Anti-Dude. he's literate, well-spoken, attentive, and TOTALLY INTO ME. I've never dated anyone this "nice" for this long. usually I run screaming after a few dates when a man is THAT interested in me. it's a Groucho thing. I have resolved to myself to stick it out a bit and take time to get to know him for a few months...maybe six. and as time has passed, I find I like him more and more. I'll add that he's SUPER good-looking, sexy, "skilled" and all that other good stuff. he has an amazing physique.
people who like themselves don't reject people who like them. I keep reminding myself of that.
my heart was broken; utterly crushed. so I snapped. a man sent me a message from a dating site a few days before I last saw Dude; when I returned home I replied with a brief message and we started corresponding. I gave him my number, he called me, we went on a date, and we've been "seeing each other" ever since.
he's the Anti-Dude. he's literate, well-spoken, attentive, and TOTALLY INTO ME. I've never dated anyone this "nice" for this long. usually I run screaming after a few dates when a man is THAT interested in me. it's a Groucho thing. I have resolved to myself to stick it out a bit and take time to get to know him for a few months...maybe six. and as time has passed, I find I like him more and more. I'll add that he's SUPER good-looking, sexy, "skilled" and all that other good stuff. he has an amazing physique.
people who like themselves don't reject people who like them. I keep reminding myself of that.
Monday, August 17, 2009
mastery and practice
i've mastered the art of getting to work on time, with all the essential self-care and hygiene attended to. yeah i know. normal people don't really have an issue with getting to work on time. i did. maybe i'm not normal.
time to sort out new stuff.
time to sort out new stuff.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
paying attention
i've tested and learned something this week. 5 days is the limit. 4 days is probably when he starts obsessing...
ha. won this battle.
ha. won this battle.
Friday, August 7, 2009
if not now, later.
just a stream of consciousness dump for now - i don't have the time or inclination to make sense of this.
listening to led zeppelin's "in the evening". song lyrics indicate a narrative about a heartbreaker. ha.
it's time for me to become one. i need to learn to empathize with people who say no, who have to be the bad guy.
i like winners. i like being a winner. it's a really effective way to win friends and influence people.
i'm having a hard time shutting my feelings/emotions down and focusing on what's important, like work. and connecting with people and being polite. the dude still occupies a lot of space in my consciousness. he's been poking about on the 'net looking for me lately, and sent a random text in the wee hours of the morning a few days ago, just to wish me well. so he misses me and thinks about me as much as i do him - in his spare/quiet moments. he has far fewer of them than i do.
fill up your life. fill it with people and shit to do. do it quickly. make it happen. fix things that are broken and build upon things that are working. hurry up.
a very good friend told me to focus on the things that make "us" tick and enjoy it. i'm applying that to me, singularly, as well. i'm sick of feeling so shitty and empty.
most of the pain i experience comes from a confusion about his behaviour, motives, etc. i've questioned him directly - why on earth did he ever start flirting with me in the first place? i live so far away, he wasn't ready, still isn't ready, whywhywhy? and his answer is always something like, "why question it? it's really good isn't it?"
yeah it IS good. at least there's a lot about it to like...a whole lot.
he's slow. cautious. doesn't want to get hurt again, so he keeps himself pretty walled off from intimacy. that part, i can live without. but from hundreds of miles away, i can feel him. he's always with me.
because i'm not ready to let go.
listening to led zeppelin's "in the evening". song lyrics indicate a narrative about a heartbreaker. ha.
it's time for me to become one. i need to learn to empathize with people who say no, who have to be the bad guy.
i like winners. i like being a winner. it's a really effective way to win friends and influence people.
i'm having a hard time shutting my feelings/emotions down and focusing on what's important, like work. and connecting with people and being polite. the dude still occupies a lot of space in my consciousness. he's been poking about on the 'net looking for me lately, and sent a random text in the wee hours of the morning a few days ago, just to wish me well. so he misses me and thinks about me as much as i do him - in his spare/quiet moments. he has far fewer of them than i do.
fill up your life. fill it with people and shit to do. do it quickly. make it happen. fix things that are broken and build upon things that are working. hurry up.
a very good friend told me to focus on the things that make "us" tick and enjoy it. i'm applying that to me, singularly, as well. i'm sick of feeling so shitty and empty.
most of the pain i experience comes from a confusion about his behaviour, motives, etc. i've questioned him directly - why on earth did he ever start flirting with me in the first place? i live so far away, he wasn't ready, still isn't ready, whywhywhy? and his answer is always something like, "why question it? it's really good isn't it?"
yeah it IS good. at least there's a lot about it to like...a whole lot.
he's slow. cautious. doesn't want to get hurt again, so he keeps himself pretty walled off from intimacy. that part, i can live without. but from hundreds of miles away, i can feel him. he's always with me.
because i'm not ready to let go.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
ah, fuck it.
my life, for the last 3 years, has been all about resurrecting myself from the ashes. i nearly died on an operating table in 2003, and it took me until 2006 to stop trying to slowly kill myself. it took me from 2006 until now to start really living like a normal girl. and if history is an indicator, i may well be on the cusp of a new three year journey of self-discovery.
so i did my homework and became a normal person. somehow i only look normal on the outside; on the inside, i'm the same miserable complaining bitch i was back when i wanted to die all the time. and i want to die all the time again. i have a minor amount of boy drama (the kind that happened a month ago and continually tells me that i need to get over him, move on, and quit freaking out about getting older).
it's time to again hit the reset button. this time however i have no idea what needs changing. all the previous stuff has been relatively easy and tangible - get a job in my chosen field, buy a car, lose weight and get cuter, start dating again, buy a house (condo really).
so i did all those things. none of them make me happy. except for dating one particular person, and it's not working so well for me right now. i don't know what makes me happy, other than canoodling with the aforementioned boy. hanging out with him? deliriously happy. utterly unsustainable, and deliriously happy. there is a pattern; i really have noticed.
so he's not (really) available and i've decided to end my hypervigilant pursuit of his affections. also decided to end it in my own head and heart - i never pestered him much for fear of being found out for the crazed stalker that i had become. i was not comfortable with that persona and hid it from him.
i do know this much - i'm hating my job today, and i have a very good one. so it's not really my job.
it's me. and i'm going to break things again if i'm not careful.
so i did my homework and became a normal person. somehow i only look normal on the outside; on the inside, i'm the same miserable complaining bitch i was back when i wanted to die all the time. and i want to die all the time again. i have a minor amount of boy drama (the kind that happened a month ago and continually tells me that i need to get over him, move on, and quit freaking out about getting older).
it's time to again hit the reset button. this time however i have no idea what needs changing. all the previous stuff has been relatively easy and tangible - get a job in my chosen field, buy a car, lose weight and get cuter, start dating again, buy a house (condo really).
so i did all those things. none of them make me happy. except for dating one particular person, and it's not working so well for me right now. i don't know what makes me happy, other than canoodling with the aforementioned boy. hanging out with him? deliriously happy. utterly unsustainable, and deliriously happy. there is a pattern; i really have noticed.
so he's not (really) available and i've decided to end my hypervigilant pursuit of his affections. also decided to end it in my own head and heart - i never pestered him much for fear of being found out for the crazed stalker that i had become. i was not comfortable with that persona and hid it from him.
i do know this much - i'm hating my job today, and i have a very good one. so it's not really my job.
it's me. and i'm going to break things again if i'm not careful.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
anywhere but here
i've been ruminating over a bunch of crap lately - the most frequent question is "why am i so miserable ?", and i'm constantly twisting up a fairly simple answer into a knotted mass of rationalization.
i'd rather be anywhere but here. right here, right now. i don't wanna be here. i've been clever enough to see the folly in this, but it doesn't make it go away...
i wonder what makes shit like this go away.
i'd rather be anywhere but here. right here, right now. i don't wanna be here. i've been clever enough to see the folly in this, but it doesn't make it go away...
i wonder what makes shit like this go away.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
ouch.
heartbroken. seriously effed up and heart sick.
decided to check in with the Dude and ask him where he was at; i had a bad feeling already. told me he'd been seeing an ex again. and my reaction, while not explosive or dramatic, betrayed my real feelings for him. he sort of exploded with both defensiveness and apology, and said it was just too hard with his kids in the picture, that he wasn't ready for a relationship until they were older.
so now it's out there. and i told him i felt incredibly foolish and embarrassed and angry with myself for getting involved with someone who doesn't feel the same way i do.
he replied by saying that i wasn't foolish; that he really cares about me. a lot. and he wants to see me still, really doesn't want me to end it. i talked to a mutual friend of ours (his BFF) and said, "dude, he's in love with me". BFF's response - "yeeeee-up". i wonder how long he's been holding onto that one.
and i'm just feeling so fucking lost and terrified. what have i gotten myself into? and i really don't get why this has to be so fucking hard. it's already long distance - the impact on his kids is super minimized. i see him maybe every two months, and that means maybe a couple of hours with the kids included. as far as they're concerned we're just good friends anyway. it's only been a few months, maybe five since i met his children; it's way too soon to introduce me as a girlfriend. i do get that.
now i have to figure out what the hell i want out of this and ask for it. scary.
decided to check in with the Dude and ask him where he was at; i had a bad feeling already. told me he'd been seeing an ex again. and my reaction, while not explosive or dramatic, betrayed my real feelings for him. he sort of exploded with both defensiveness and apology, and said it was just too hard with his kids in the picture, that he wasn't ready for a relationship until they were older.
so now it's out there. and i told him i felt incredibly foolish and embarrassed and angry with myself for getting involved with someone who doesn't feel the same way i do.
he replied by saying that i wasn't foolish; that he really cares about me. a lot. and he wants to see me still, really doesn't want me to end it. i talked to a mutual friend of ours (his BFF) and said, "dude, he's in love with me". BFF's response - "yeeeee-up". i wonder how long he's been holding onto that one.
and i'm just feeling so fucking lost and terrified. what have i gotten myself into? and i really don't get why this has to be so fucking hard. it's already long distance - the impact on his kids is super minimized. i see him maybe every two months, and that means maybe a couple of hours with the kids included. as far as they're concerned we're just good friends anyway. it's only been a few months, maybe five since i met his children; it's way too soon to introduce me as a girlfriend. i do get that.
now i have to figure out what the hell i want out of this and ask for it. scary.
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